I Ate my Anger

I didn't sleep last night.  My daughter spilled nail polish on her carpet.  The same tan carpet that already sports a burgundy splotch from years ago.  I was more angry because she not-so-quietly came into my bedroom at 2:30 to get some carpet cleaner when I caught her.  Thank goodness I told her NOT to use it.  I hadn't fallen asleep yet. My light was out, but still awake.  After this, I was so wide awake and angry that I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs.  I ate my anger and 3 Chips Ahoy cookies and 6 ounces of skim milk.  It could have been a lot worse. But, I was never able to fall back to sleep.  Lack of sleep causes me to eat more than usual, and to make poor food choices.  Complete lack of sleep will also affect my mood as the day goes on.  I have already had my breakfast.  I have a headache. I'm less angry. But my daughter is asleep.  It didn't help that she apologized.  That doesn't give me my 8 hours of rest back. It doesn't make her room clean.  It doesn't remove the nail polish or the smell of remover.  It didn't calm my angry voice still talking to me in my head. The scale read 123.2. So discouraging.

Something Clicked

I have been unhappy with my weight (as high as 125.9 in recent weeks), yet unmotivated and unwilling to do what I know works. I needed to find that inner mentor/guide and keep the inner tyrant at bay.  I did not want to become obsessive about counting calories, points, steps taken, ounces of water, number on the scale, or any other number that my inner tyrant likes to use to beat me about the head.

I also know that the majority of us underestimate the amount of calories we consume and overestimate our exertion during exercise. I was one. I am now in the minority. This time, because I read Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge. Here are some gems from the book:

"All right, think of exercise as a one-a-day pill. A feel-good pill that ought to be illegal but isn't."

"So keep a simple diary .... write down, every day .. 1) what I ate, 2) what I did for exercise (or didn't), and 3) what I did with my life - sexually, socially, morally...whatever you care about. It is a tremendous help to know....that someone cares. Even if it's just you."

I have been trying to eat intuitively.  I admit, I am not that in-touch with my body to do that just yet.  I admit, I have not really been exerting myself like I should/could, even when walking on the treadmill. I have been (under)estimating calories eaten for sure. Two things are keeping me honest and informed: the heart rate monitor while exercising and writing down what I eat and drink.  I lost 2.7 pounds this week (currently 121.7).  Something is working.  Maybe it's my own awareness. Maybe I found my inner mentor.  So far, this is working. It's the right amount of structure for me and the right amount of feedback.  

The funny thing is, I'm eating much healthier, feeling much better, figuring out how to listen to my body,  and I'm not hungry at all. It is so much less about the number on the scale (which admittedly still matters) than it is about what my body needs and wants.  

A New Approach

A large part of me loves to track stats - like calories, fat grams, fiber grams, etc.  I get obsessed about calories burned too.  I am going to try to appease that part of me and find some balance and moderation.  I will write down what I eat, but not be so anal about it.  I will wear a heart rate monitor while exercising so I can track what % of my max heart rate I am in.  I'll write down those calories burned, but no more.

I want to find a balanced way to make healthy choices without getting bogged down in stats.  I'm still trying to find a way that works for the long haul.

So, I am committing to myself that I'll exercise for at least an hour every day for the next week.  I will lift weights 2 more time this week (I lifted yesterday), giving my muscles 48 hours to recover before lifting again.

Challenges with Eating Out

I'm on vacation this week.  I'm thrilled to be down 1.5 pounds from last week, but afraid I'll regain it this week because of plans to eat out.  I know how to do this.  I know how to look at menus and make good choices.  But, one thing that I hope to achieve this week is eating CONSCIOUSLY.  So often I sit down, eat, and don't even pay attention until the last bite.  Now, I'm becoming aware about half-way through the meal.  So much that I read says to eat S-L-O-W-L-Y and to really enjoy each bite.  When I remember to do this, I really do eat less because I am more satisfied.

I haven't exercised yet today because it's been a travel day.  And, I've only had 4 1/2 hours sleep (early flight and couldn't fall asleep) so I know this can contribute to pour eating habits.  But, I am AWARE of this, so hopefully I'll just end up going to bed early.

Tonight is Fondue.  I will go easy on the cheese, have vegetables and only a piece or two of bread, enjoy the salad (dressing on the side) and have one or two small pieces of something dipped in chocolate for dessert.  I'll forgo the glass of chardonnay for water, and eat slowly.  This is even harder when I am with others because the conversation can be a distraction.

124.4

I have resorted to tracking again.  I thought I was done with this and was ready for 'intuitive' eating.  I was wrong.  For someone who used to like to be 'right' I have realized over the years that I really don't always know what I am doing. I don't have all the answers.  I am willing to be wrong.

The other night we ate at Chili's.  Now I know how to track WW points, calories, read restaurant menus, make sound choices.  But, I also know that I put my head in the sand and look the other way and pretend that my choices aren't all that bad sometimes.  My Chili's Black Bean burger (with ranch ON THE SIDE) on a wheat bun and steamed broccoli seemed like a good choice.  I used to get this all the time (and eat half).  This time I ate 3/4 of it, 75% of the broccoli. Together that was 484 calories.  My son and I shared a brownie sundae - big mistake! The whole thing has 1290 calories.  I ate 1/4 = 322.5 calories - sooooo not worth it.  The sundae was most definitely NOT an intuitive choice, and I was not physically hungry before I ate it. My dinner alone was 806 calories!  My maintenance level is 1142 calories.  No wonder I am not losing these 8 pounds.  I have been refusing to be honest about my choices.  I have ignored the reality that I am NOT making good choices. I have been pretending that I can do this without paying attention to calories. At this point in time, I need to keep track.

My Jimmy John's #4 with cheese no mayo for lunch yesterday was 316.5 calories (I only ate 3/4) and my Thinny Chips (90% of them) were 117 calories.  Tracking is eye-opening. Again. Yesterday I finished at 1303 calories consumed, 306 calories burned on the treadmill.  A part of me loves crunching numbers AND a part of me sits with her head in hands, discouraged, wondering if I'll ever be able to figure this out 'intuitively.'  For now, it's more important to me to lose the 8 pounds.  I know how to do that with the calories in versus calories burned method.  I'm headed for the treadmill now.

Naturally Thin

Heidi Lauckhardt-Rhoades wrote, "A naturally thin person does not overeat seriously, watch someone who is naturally thin.  They eat until satisfied and that’s it." on The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans site. Yes, when I was naturally thin, I never overate.  I ate what I wanted, didn't count calories, didn't even really care what a calorie was. I ate until I was satisfied, but I don't know that I would have even been able to articulate that.  I think I would have just said that I was finished. Done. Full. Fine. Didn't want anymore. How did I know I was done?  I don't recall.


Now, I can eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream until that last chunk of chocolate is found and finished.  If there is more 'monkey' left when the 'chunky' is all eaten, I dump it down the garbage disposal.  I get very upset if I eat the last chunk of chocolate and don't realize it's the LAST ONE.  It's as if I am eating to get to the last chunk of chocolate.  This is not the behavior of a naturally thin person.  How would a naturally thin person eat Chunky Monkey?  WOULD a naturally thin person even buy it, much less eat it?  Yes, I ate it when I was naturally thin.  Someone else put a serving in a bowl for me.  I didn't know how many chunks of chocolate were in my bowl or in that pint.  I enjoyed each bite, or enjoyed the taste and texture and when it was finished I didn't give it a second thought.  I paid more attention to the conversations and the people I was with.  This is an actual scene from my past that I have just described.  I was actually the very first time I ever ate Chunky Monkey ice cream.  


For today, I will act AS IF I am naturally thin.  I will eat AS IF I am naturally thin. I will behave AS IF I am naturally thin.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Here I Go Again

I am a yo-yo dieter. Today I weigh 124.6 pounds. I have been in the process of figuring out why I keep gaining and losing and gaining and losing the same 8-10 pounds. I am not someone who had a weight issue as a child. If anything, I was always on the thin side of average. As a teen, I developed an overactive thyroid and lost weight. Back then (the 1970's) anorexia wasn't something I even knew about, but I looked as if I had anorexia. I didn't. It took many years to regain the weight. Ever since my first child was born, it's required 'effort' to lose weight. After she was born, my thyroid took a turn in the opposite direction and stopped working. I managed to lose the baby weight (down to 118 pounds) so that I could immediately get pregnant with baby number two (which I did, less than three months after my daughter was born).

I had baby #3 a little less than two years after my second child. That child is 16 years old now. And this weight lose/gain cycle is getting old, boring, depressing, discouraging, and frustrating. I can lose the weight. I've done it using many, many different methods. It's keeping it off that seems to be the problem. This time, a part of me won't even let me BEGIN the losing process unless and until I figure out the maintenance part. This is a story about my journey. Looking back on the last 16 years and looking at what's happening today. With insight, I hope resolve this weight loss and maintenance issue for good!

Picnics and Pounds

First, I have lost another 2.3 pounds! I am down to 116.2, which is a 7.4 pound loss from the beginning of this process. Last night I had already convinced myself that I would eat anything and everything I wanted today. But, after seeing the scale this morning, I think I just might make some better choices. Once I see the progress on the scale and in my body, I no longer want to jeopardize the process.

We are having a July 4th picnic today. With twelve adults and fifteen kids we have a lot of food and fun planned. Yesterday the kids and I made a bean salad - all three kids refuse to try it. My daughter made brownies and some frozen alcoholic drinks. She also made non-alcoholic versions for the kids. Friends are bringing all kinds of side dishes. We have chicken, beef, burgers, hot dogs, fruit salads, and all kinds of desserts (including my friend's to-die-for fudge!).

I am getting on the treadmill now. But, I will write more about our fun activities and foods and drinks (recipes also) tomorrow! Happy Independence day.

This blog is participating in the diet, which is sponsored by The Diet Channel. Join us if you are inspired to lose weight and get in shape!