I Ate my Anger

I didn't sleep last night.  My daughter spilled nail polish on her carpet.  The same tan carpet that already sports a burgundy splotch from years ago.  I was more angry because she not-so-quietly came into my bedroom at 2:30 to get some carpet cleaner when I caught her.  Thank goodness I told her NOT to use it.  I hadn't fallen asleep yet. My light was out, but still awake.  After this, I was so wide awake and angry that I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs.  I ate my anger and 3 Chips Ahoy cookies and 6 ounces of skim milk.  It could have been a lot worse. But, I was never able to fall back to sleep.  Lack of sleep causes me to eat more than usual, and to make poor food choices.  Complete lack of sleep will also affect my mood as the day goes on.  I have already had my breakfast.  I have a headache. I'm less angry. But my daughter is asleep.  It didn't help that she apologized.  That doesn't give me my 8 hours of rest back. It doesn't make her room clean.  It doesn't remove the nail polish or the smell of remover.  It didn't calm my angry voice still talking to me in my head. The scale read 123.2. So discouraging.

Something Clicked

I have been unhappy with my weight (as high as 125.9 in recent weeks), yet unmotivated and unwilling to do what I know works. I needed to find that inner mentor/guide and keep the inner tyrant at bay.  I did not want to become obsessive about counting calories, points, steps taken, ounces of water, number on the scale, or any other number that my inner tyrant likes to use to beat me about the head.

I also know that the majority of us underestimate the amount of calories we consume and overestimate our exertion during exercise. I was one. I am now in the minority. This time, because I read Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge. Here are some gems from the book:

"All right, think of exercise as a one-a-day pill. A feel-good pill that ought to be illegal but isn't."

"So keep a simple diary .... write down, every day .. 1) what I ate, 2) what I did for exercise (or didn't), and 3) what I did with my life - sexually, socially, morally...whatever you care about. It is a tremendous help to know....that someone cares. Even if it's just you."

I have been trying to eat intuitively.  I admit, I am not that in-touch with my body to do that just yet.  I admit, I have not really been exerting myself like I should/could, even when walking on the treadmill. I have been (under)estimating calories eaten for sure. Two things are keeping me honest and informed: the heart rate monitor while exercising and writing down what I eat and drink.  I lost 2.7 pounds this week (currently 121.7).  Something is working.  Maybe it's my own awareness. Maybe I found my inner mentor.  So far, this is working. It's the right amount of structure for me and the right amount of feedback.  

The funny thing is, I'm eating much healthier, feeling much better, figuring out how to listen to my body,  and I'm not hungry at all. It is so much less about the number on the scale (which admittedly still matters) than it is about what my body needs and wants.  

A New Approach

A large part of me loves to track stats - like calories, fat grams, fiber grams, etc.  I get obsessed about calories burned too.  I am going to try to appease that part of me and find some balance and moderation.  I will write down what I eat, but not be so anal about it.  I will wear a heart rate monitor while exercising so I can track what % of my max heart rate I am in.  I'll write down those calories burned, but no more.

I want to find a balanced way to make healthy choices without getting bogged down in stats.  I'm still trying to find a way that works for the long haul.

So, I am committing to myself that I'll exercise for at least an hour every day for the next week.  I will lift weights 2 more time this week (I lifted yesterday), giving my muscles 48 hours to recover before lifting again.